I’m a frequent drug abuser. I once burgled my best friend’s flat. I’ve been in prison several times. I’ve been beaten and forced to drink vile chemicals. I’ve stolen cars, driven without a licence and driven while under the influence of drugs. I’ve been a gay prostitute and a drug dealer. My father has disowned me and I’ve been in and out of drug rehabilitation clinics with no success.

Can I have an NME Hero Of The Year award now please?