Mothers! Lock up your children! There’s wildspread panic across the lands! The new Hitler has hit our shores and this time, instead of planes and bombs, he has brought his guitar and his floppy haired friends. But he’s not playing real music - oh no no no no NO! He’s playing the infectious melodies known as EMO. And your kids are flocking to them like how the Pied Piper led children off cliffs to land on a pile of jagged rocks and rat corpses.

There are some tell-tale signs if your child has been swept up in this cult movement. They start disrespecting and outright ignore your wishes. If you tell them to tidy their room, do they smile and say “Yes mother but would you like me to make a cup of tea for you before I begin?” or do they shrug and prefer not to do it. UH OH! CLASSIC EMO ATTITUDE! They also wear black because they’re so individual, just like the others. And they prefer this to wearing the clothes you bought them 5 years ago. UH OH! CLASSIC EMO ATTITUDE! Have your kids stop listening to your collection of cassettes and singing their favourite nursery rhymes and instead listen to loud music that you don’t understand the appeal of and are frankly a bit worried about. UH OH! CLASSIC EMO ATTITUDE!

Emo is the newest craze to hit the streets and the kids love it. Emo stands for “Evil Movement Oracles” and it’s the musicians job to warp the minds of their listeners and turn them into rebellious kids who would rather go out and have fun than stay in and do chores for their parents. THIS MADNESS MUST STOP! Kids are growing up and stopping being kids anymore. And it’s not just them maturing and making their own decisions, THERE’S EVIL AFOOT!

Emo promotes kids to do crazy stuff like self-harm, drugs and suicide. It glamorises death by making life sound so bleak. What can you as a parent do? The best possbile action is, and always will be, shelter them. Hide them in a little bubble and shield them from the dangers of the outside world. Allow them no interaction from friends, the internet or the radio. Emo is lurking in every shadow and will not cease until it has captured your children in its gloomy web.

Your children are the most precious gift any parent can have. So in order to save their lives, prevent them from having one.